


Five Ways Voldemort Could Have Killed Harry Potter

by oh_anakin



Category: Harry Potter (all media types), Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Crack, Gen, Humor, Non-Linear Narrative, Not Canon Compliant, Not Canon Compliant - Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, but i'm shit at writing voldemort so who knows, have some imagination, i think it makes it funnier, i wrote this in seriously 5 minutes, in which voldemort talks like an everyday person for some reason, minor references to kinda-sorta cannibalism?, minor tw for descriptions of violence, seriously voldy there's more ways to kill a wizard than just avada kedavra-ing them over and over, this fic laughs at canon and walks backward into absurdity, this is very very very VERY OOC, very very ooc
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-18
Updated: 2019-11-18
Packaged: 2021-02-12 15:15:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 111
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21478456
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oh_anakin/pseuds/oh_anakin
Summary: In which Voldemort thinks it over after his first failed attempt to kill Harry Potter, and decides that maybe "hit him with a spoooooky magic death spell" isn't such a great plan after all.
Comments: 2
Kudos: 17





	Five Ways Voldemort Could Have Killed Harry Potter

**Author's Note:**

> This is seriously the worst thing I have ever written. You have been warned.

(1)

"imperio, Muggle! Strangle Harry Potter. Teenager, about yea high, dead parents, can't miss him."

(2)

"Severus, does the blood protection still apply if the boy is Transfigured into a duck and cooked up for a Death Eater Dinner Party?”

(3)

"Hmm, the middle of this road seems like a perfect place to leave this unconscious boy for a few seconds... STEP ON THAT ACCELERATOR, WORMTAIL!"

(4)

“Let’s try expelliarmusing him into that heavy stone wall about 50 or 60 times, eh, Amycus? Severus tells me Muggles’ skulls crack easily.”

(5)

“Hand me that Polyjuice, Severus. I think I’ll make a rather fine Hermione Granger. He'll never see that Avada-Kedavra coming!"

**Author's Note:**

> Rough Timeline: 
> 
> I think these all take place roughly around OOTP/HBP, but don't assume they take place in order or even in the same timeline. Again: I wrote this in 5 minutes.


End file.
